Entri terakhir: untuk Yoana Vennezia

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Waktu itu tak berujung. Kita hidup di satu masa. Awalnya, lagu Akad oleh Payung Teduh terasa tidak relevan, setidaknya bagiku. Maksudnya, terlalu banyak muda-mudi kebelet nikah yang dengan sengaja meneriakkan lagu itu ke telinga orang. Memang, musiknya mudah didengar dan ringan. Tapi, kupikir liriknya tidak sekuat lagu Untuk Perempuan yang Sedang di Pelukan. Tapi, hari ini, lagu Akad seperti tiba-tiba merasuki aku. Tapi, aku gak menye-menye; aku tidak kebelet nikah, aku tetap sama. Tapi, entah mengapa lirik yang ringan itu cocok untuk meningat kamu, Yo. Aransemen musiknya tidak menyedihkan, tapi menyenangkan. Mungkin, sudah seharusnya itu yang aku, Tane, Iki dan yang lain rasakan. Kami gak perlu sedih soal kepergianmu itu. Kami, seharusnya, mengingat hidupmu itu, Yo. Hidupmu itu layak kami apresiasi setinggi-tingginya. Kamu sudah bantu aku berubah. Tahu gak? Aku gak pernah nangis di pemakaman, Yo. Tapi, kemarin aku seperti tidak kenal siapa aku. Dinding dan tampilan tangguh ya
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To my friend, Grace

I got the name from the Woodlanders. I named you after the character not because you look or act like her, but the name suits you well. By the way, I'm writing this letter just to say goodbye, I can't think of another way because I'm scared shitless and to be honest I don't know what to do. Anyway, it's hard to write a letter like this. Well, goodbyes aren't easy I think, but I just want to give it a shot.

First of all, I don't want you to get on the wrong foot, and I don't mean to give you flashbacks or something. I just had a long day and I thought of you. I thought of my mistakes. Then, I remembered how much of a friend I was or am. I was and probably still am not a good friend.

So, let's begin with our first contact. I remember I just broke up when you first contacted me. I was hurt. I told you to back off. Well, looking back I realized it wasn't the friendliest welcome, but I was trying.. not to hurt people by hurting them in the first place. Weird, right? What can I say, I'm a weird guy. I don't hate myself for being weird, I just hate myself for being right when I give guesses, and I was right. I hurt you.

In every way, I hurt you. I didn't respect your feelings. That time I was too dumb to realize that. I just blabbered about some other girls that didn't care for me. You cared for me and I was dumb. Yet, you were there. We didn't spend so much time together, but looking back those times with you were some of the finest moments in my life. I know maybe it was sin for you, but I never thought of that. I was having good time with my.. friend.

I remember the first days when you left for high school. We contacted through SMS and I'd just wait for your replies, I did. You kept on saying how hillbilly you were without those fancy social media. My question was, how can a hillbilly operate an iPhone? I never asked you that, I think. Or maybe I did. I'm not one with good memory, and that reminds me of something. 

You wrote important dates. I was stupid. I was trying to write a story about us, how we helped each other grow up. Then, you told me you deleted those dates. It was for the best. Maybe some things aren't mean to be.

There are things that I still remember and wish to share with you, but I know it's not the time. It's too late for that. You've moved on, and I was a jerk. Now, I have to reap what I sow. You might think this letter is meant to show you my complaints, but it's not. I'm supportive about your decision. It's for the best.

I envy you, you know? You're always one step ahead than me. You were wiser, and now you're even wiser. Me? I'm still a dumb guy who is too proud of being dumb. But you, you always know what to do. You can decide things for yourself, even if it's hard. You let go, but I didn't. I was too scared of losing you. I remember how jealous I was when you talked about that kid. He's probably look manlier than I do though come to think of it. But, I hoped that you two can work things out. I really did.

I have to tell you something. I didn't cry when my grandparents died, or anyone else for that matter. I didn't cry when I lost my great-grandma when I was maybe 8-10. Then it hit me. Maybe, I can take things like that. I can accept the facts that they were supposed to leave me in flesh and soul. I can't talk to them because they'll never be around anymore. But, I cry when someone walked away from my life. I think it was because I still can see them but I can't reach them. So close, but out of reach.

I'm sorry I kept on blabbering about stupid things. I have to end this letter. I just want to apologize for not being a good friend. You've always been good to me, and I was too dumb to find out how to make it up to you. I'm still dumb. I just want to say thank you, from the deepest part of me. You've helped me grow. You've made me wiser. You're the teacher that won't say anything, but you did things and I have to take up your example. I'm just saying I'm happy for whatever you're choosing for your life. I did want to talk to you. Maybe just one more time just to know how awesome you're now, just to see how we grew up and what we've become. But I realized it now that I've outstayed our friendship. I was too comfortable with it and I just couldn't take it up and get on with it.

In the end, I hope you can always be happy and you can always set out example to people just like what you did to me. But I also hope that you won't find a guy like me, because I'd be super pissed to know that you have to go through it all over again. Please know that I'm always here wishing for the best for you, and your safety. Good luck and good bye, Grace.

*it's silly I know, the name, but I just can't help it sorry

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